Starcraft story (help me out a lil)

[SmashBros.Pro]

Help ME Out A Lil....

I'm currently in the process of writing a StarCraft story and I want a judgement on how it's lookin so far.
Also Im not planning on selling this to Blizzard, unless they want it and all that other stuff so don't comment Blizzard won't like it.

Also I need a title, but I'm only about 4% done with it and i wont post anything else, related ot my story. I'm not even sure if this is in the right Forum.

It's the year 2455 AD, life for the Terran was getting worse as the days past. The planet the Terran, Earth II, is becoming more and more un-inhabitable because of the chemical and bio-tech weapons the planet was producing.
As all hope seen lost for he Terran race the Commander Zaren gets word of a new uninhabited planet. "Commander we have just recieved word that there is an uninhabited planet in Galaxy 423 that we could terraform" said Private Geana. The Commander immediatly sent word to President Aron. "Sir we have just gotten word that there is a planet that we could definatly terraform in Galaxy 43" said the Commander, not reliazing he had made a mistake on the galaxy's location. "Well" said Aron, "I wan't you to set an outpost on the planet and I will send you men after you have confirmed there is no life on the planet. The President signed paperwork allowing Commander to take 10 of the best men on the planet with him in case of an emergency. President Aron gives Zaren a folder with 10 soldiers that each specialized in one job. "Go now and gather these men and report back when you do so" said Aron, "Yes Sir!" said Zaren, then he turned and walked out the door.

 

[SmashBros.Pro]

When Commander Zaren got back into his office he opened the folder. There he saw a picture of each of the men he needed and what they specialize in.
The first person was a man that goes buy the name Ray, According to the paper's he specializes in operating the SCV suit and that he could easily build anything he wanted in a short period of time. The next was a man by the name of Robert, he was said to be a great hero in the war against the Protoss invasion and while he is to old to actually go into combat he could train an army of soldiers quick. The next was not a man, but a woman. She specializes in stealth and ambushes, she goes by the name Sarah. The next person in the folder was a man by the name of Kody, the paperwork said that he is a great pilot and that he could fly anything with wings and his twin brother Micheal could drive anything with wheels. The next 2 people, Hayne and Guy are engineers who spent their whole lives working with machinery. And finally the last three people were all weapon upgrade specialist, the first goes by the name Jack the next with the name of Klyde and last was Duece.
The Commander then sent ten people out to find each of the men and women. It didnt take, but 5 days to gather them all!

 

[SmashBros.Pro]

On April 11th, 2445 AD they all were gathered at Startport 14 and told that each of them were to go with the Zaren to see President Aron about very important buisness. The ten recruits were furious that they were called away from what they were doing to meat a man they didn't even know! "Listen up!" said Commander Zaren "My name is Zaren, you have been gathered here by President Aron for a very important mission." said Zaren, "I would now like you to grab all of your belongings and follow me."
They all did as they were told and followed Zaren to the Presidents' office. From there President Aron told each of them why they were gathered and what they will recieve for their cooperation, which was 8,000 dollars per month for the rest of their lives, if they successfully complete their mission.
All the soldiers agreed to do what the President said, because of the benefit. As they all were leaving the office Aron told Zaren to stay for a minute. Thats when Zaren noticed a tall man with a tatoo on his arm and a scar on his face. Aron said, "Commander this is your final recruit, his name is Fade. Aron told Fade to follow the others and for the Zaren to stay behind for one more minute. "See that boy" said Aron, "He has the potentiall for greatness, but he lets his attitude get in his way." Zaren just stood there looking into the Presidents eyes. "I want you to take him along, he has the brains of a leader and I'm hoping that you will take him and make a great use of him." Zaren said, "Sir I will be honered to have him on our side". Then Aron signed the warrant allowing them to leave Earth II. Two weeks later everyone was to meet at Launch Site 3.

 

[SmashBros.Pro]

April 25th, 2445 AD, all were at the launch site and ready to go, but as they were entering the Norad IV Zaren noticed that Fade wasn't in uniform. "Fade!" said Zaren, "Get over here son." He slowley walkd over and said, "What the hell do you want." Zaren replied, "Why arn't you in uniform it is required and you know it!" "Calm down pops" said Fade, "I don't wan't to wear that raggy ass suit." Zaren then said, "It's not an option, either suit up or get out of here!" Fade turned around and began to leave, but before he go to the door, the Commander stopped him. "What do you wan't, and quit wasting my time. I'm ready to get out of this hellhole!" Zaren said, "Maybe this once I can make an exception. Now get on that ship." So he did and they both entered and waited for blast off.

When he entered the ship he noticed that Klyde and Duece were making modifications to Norad IV. He asked, "What are you two planning on doing?" Duece kept on working, but Klyde answered give us an hour and the Norad IV will be able to Produce a Wraith every nine days." Klyde noticed that the Commander looked puzzled. Klyde then said, "We are turning this ship into a flying Wraith factory in other words." "Oh" said the general "Well in that case I will grant you two hours to do this." Then Zaren went to check on the others.
The others were doing nothing out of the ordinary. They were all telling stories of past situations and problems, but he noticed that Fade was standing in the corner staring at them saying smart ass things. Zaren knew he was gonna be a problem.

 

[coRtALoS]

Only thing that makes my teeth grit is the switching between 1st and 3rd person narrative... I doubt that's what it is, but it's been so long since my last English class. Otherwise, very good original story concept.

 

[SmashBros.Pro]

Thanx, this story is gonna be basically through Fade's point of veiw, but you dont get to know him til later on into the story. Thats why I switched around a little bit.

Also I need a new race idea, because on the planet they end up on they encounter Zerg and an new race that will befriend then betray them.

 

[shrimpshark]

YES finnaly

the new race should be worm zergs 10ft tall and can eat humans
and can trans lings under ground

 

[SmashBros.Pro]

LOL!!

Maybe I should make that a new Zerg units instead of new race and let them beat the hell outta the marines

Good idea though, thanx for that ima be sure to add it and if anyone else has ideas on new zerg units or new race lemme know.

BTW...
I want to know if this sounds like a good ending.
The Zerg horribly destroy everyone except Fade and when Fade trys to escape on the last Wraith back to Earth the Zerg follow...

Then comes story Number 2

 

[KerriganForever]

I like that ending...Zerg destroying all except for Fade.

The writing is good, it reads like a noval, a bit long to put in the forum though.

It sounds like it could also be a good RPG)Roll Playing Game. Where the stage is set and then other ppls from the forum join in to create the senario thru thier own charactor. This could give you more ideas compared to writing it solo.

Overall I gave it an "awesome"

By the way, I would like to see the other race be a mix between Zerg and Protoss. a powerful hybrid!

 

[coRtALoS]

heh, just realized you used my b-day too, April 25th. Wish I could change vote to Awesome...

You could also go for an original race... one where you won't be expected to meet certain people's expectations. People are gonna want you to make a Zerg-Protoss hybrid stronger, more intelligent, more stealthy, cooler, etc. That'll only make you waste your time fine tuning your writing and taking away from your creative energy.

Just some ideas I'll throw out you're free to use, manipulate or disregard. A shapeshifting race (could be Zerg, Protoss, something new), a parasite similar to what the original Zerg were on Char that can take over the body of its host, this would also be good to kill off a character you don't want too! Heck, even a modern day vampire that survived all these aeons, only to be rediscovered (possibly infested? muhuhahahahaha)

Heh, KerriganForever is finding all my favorite forums =) Nice website by the way

 

[SmashBros.Pro]

I am planning on killing off all the charecters except 1, which is Fade....
Hes gonna try to make a get away in the last Waith and Zerg gonna follow him back to Earth errr... Earth II just incase you didn't read my last post.
The reason I'm reallly doing this is because alotta people expect to read a story through the Terran point of veiw and they expect the Terran to succeed in there mission, I plan on changing that.

BTW: I'm not tryin to tell you the whole story, but Kerrigan its your lucky day, just incase you havent noticed the one girl that happens to be going on the mission, Sarah, and you can pretty much happens when Zerg get ahold of her....
Then enters Infested Kerrigan

 

[SmashBros.Pro]

I've decided....

Since everyone wants to see the Zerg Toss Hybrid, I will add them....
But I'm going to need some decent idea's and I don't want the race to be too powerful.

Example of a bad idea: A flying Lurker with Psi Storm equipped and 400ft. range...
Example of a good idea: Goonling, Like a Dragoon, but with quicker attack rate but less HP.

 

[SmashBros.Pro]

I just thought of something Kerrigan said....
Instead of feeding me idea's why don't you just continue the story where I left off, but can you at least follow this story line and keep through Fades point of veiw..

 

[coRtALoS]

I'd be happy to help out. Shrimp keeps fucl<ing up whatever I type and changing everything around... Just promise me he won't follow.

 

[SmashBros.Pro]

Continued.....

Two hours has past, and Duece and Klyde have successfully completed the Norad modifications, but just before blast off Zaren noticed Fade and Ray were in a huge arguement about the importance over the SCV unit. "Whats going on here?" said Zaren. "Ray thinks his SCV job is lame and that he shouldn't be on this mission." said Fade. Zaren had complete surprise in his eyes when he relized that he was argueing for that purpose. Zaren then knew that Fade might actually be a good kid after all.

I added that into it just so you could see that Fade won't be a complete smart ass..

Im new to the RPG thing so someone will have to lead or give me an example ect....

 

[shrimpshark]

A new zerg unit.

I've got it an infected dt.

 

[SmashBros.Pro]

So many people want me to continue the story!! So I'll add a few more things into it.

For two days nothing happened aboard the Norad IV and everyone on the ship were bored and aggervated with each other. Then out of nowhere the pilot of the ship seen a huge yellowish colored ship right in front of him. The pilot informed Zaren quickly and as soon as Zaren got word he almost dove to the front of Norad to see. "What is that?" said Zaren with a puzzled look in his eyes. "A Carrier" said Fade. Zaren quickly turned around because Fade scared the hell out of him. "It contains eight small ships inside that could tear this ship apart quickly" said Fade calmly. Zaren replied "Well why the hell are you so calm?! Were all about to die!" Fade just gave a small laugh and said, "Leave this to me".
Fade went into the storage room and pulled out the EMP Blaster then he instructed the pilot to start charging the Yomato Gun. Zaren was still confused as he watched Fade get into his space suit. The pilot said, "What drugs are that boy on? That thing has shields, Yomato Gun will do damage, but it surely won't destroy it and why is he using EMP? It isn't cloaked!" Zaren said, "I have no idea what hes doing, but charge the Yomato Gun."
Fade jumped out the emergency hatch and fired a EMP missel strait at the Carrier and everyone watched in amazement how the shockwave distorted everything. Fade jumped back in the ship and yelled, "Fire the Yomato Gun!" so the pilot did and it blew the carrier into peices. "What just happened here?" said Zaren. "EMP can fry Protoss shields." said Fade. "That was a Protoss unit?!" said Zaren. "Yup" Replied Fade then Fade walked off as if nothing ever happened.

 

[shrimpshark]

hmmm

I wont cont. story until I stop messing up the plots.

 

[coRtALoS]

A New Friend/Foe

The next day, Zaren contacted President Aron to report their findings so far...

"You said you encountered what?!?"
"A Protoss Carrier sir. When we picked it up on sensors, they didn't hail or anything. They had a heading that would have brought them directly to Earth II within 3 standard days sir."
"How badly are you damaged? Do you require a repair team?"
"No sir, actually Fade devised a very clever tactic that killed the Carrier with one Yomato shot"
"One shot?! How did you pull that off?"
"Apparently Fade knew that the EMP missiles we have here can neutralize Protoss shields. As soon as he dropped them we got a shot off with the Yomato Gun, and neutralized the enemy carrier sir."
"Excellent work Zaren! I knew the people of Earth could count on you. How is Fad-"

Just then Zaren heard a clanging of supplies down the hall from him. He was making the communication through a wall mounted Transcommunication Monitor and hadn't bothered to check the area before making this call. No one usually came down here...

"Who's there?" turning back to the monitor, "I'm very sorry Mr. President, but I think we may have an animal in here. I'm going to investigate"

"Very well Commander. I'll expect a full report on the Protoss encounter by tomorrow morning. Out."

As Zaren began to walk down the hallway, a hand shot out and hit him in the chest stopping him dead in his tracks. He hadn't seen him before, but now could make out the silhouette of Fade crouching in the shadows, looking ahead.

"I've been watching it for some time." said Fade, "I think it's the Protoss Commander of that Carrier we destroyed"...

 

[SmashBros.Pro]

Feel free to continue it fend0r because I like it, just incase you didnt get my PM.


Zaren paused with complete fear in his eyes as he seen Fade reach into his pocket and pull out a 9mm Rifle and held it steadily following its every movement. Fade and Zaren stood there for the next two hours watching it move around.
"Come out already!" said Fade, "I don't have all day". Then in the most deep voice it said, "Drop your weapon, I mean you no harm." Fade opened a box full of Canister Rifle ammo and through the gun in it and said, "Now get out here before I change my mind" Zaren started to reach into the box for the gun, but Fade grabbed his arm and said, "He may not mean us harm, but even if he does he has no shields, so I could kill it with a head shot." Zaren slowly pulled back and put his hands into his pockets.
When it came out Fade asked, "Why are you here and what do you want?" "I can't tell you were I've come from, but I can tell you why I'm here. It's all because you blew my ship to pieces!" Fade gave a slight grin and then both of Fade and it bursted out into laughter. "Well, sorry about your ship, but when I was in the Protoss war Carriers where feared and we were instructed to kill them on first site" said Fade "By the way what is your name?" It replied with "Zertual III"
"Well" said Fade, "Feel free to stay on our ship until we have enough gas for the Wraiths and we will gladly give you one to go back to your home planet" "My people will thank you greatly for this" said Zertual, "But I don't know what they'll do about the Carrier." Then both Fade and Zertual bursted out into laughter again. Zaren was just left in complete confusion.