Alright, remain calm, here is what you do. You steal yourself a donkey and ride your way up to Serbia. You give the donkey to Albanians in exchange for some local cash (they like to fuck em so it should be an easy sell), don't drink anything they offer you, they've been known to steal organs and sell them on the black market. Then you go to Belgrad, you walk around singing
"Letyat uuuutkyiiii,
LETYAT UUUUUUTTTTKKKIIIII,
i dava husya!!"
That way you will find local Russians, tell em Uncle Vanya sent you, tell em the one from St.Petersburg. They will help you and ship you over to the motherland, now just remember, no eye contact unless there is a bottle present, don't smile for no reason and drink whatever alcohol they give you.
Now in the motherland, you want to take the train from St.Petersburg to a little village about 40 kilometers to the North West called Gruzino. The right train station is at the end of Vyborgoskoye road. Once you made it to Gruzino, you need to find the local alcoholic, his name is Valerka, he has connections, he knows things, trees and mushrooms talk to him sometimes. Go on a mushroom collecting adventure with him in the woods to gain his trust, again drink whatever he is offering you and make sure you listen well to his stories about a pet fox he once had. He will be able to get you a new passport and get you back to the states once he trusts you. Just remain calm man, you'll get through this.
