So it's True!

Emperor Pan I

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http://www.ridiculopathy.com/news_detail.php?id=1662

OKYO, JAPAN- After this week's announcement of yet another delay in their next-gen game system and subsequent investor revolt, consumer electronics giant Sony was forced to admit on Tuesday what many consumers have suspected for some time, that the long-promised and oft-delayed PlayStation3 does not, in fact, exist.

"First of all let me say that we are very sorry about all of this," said Sony Computer Entertainment's President Ken Kutaragi. "It started a few years ago as an innocent inside joke about Microsoft's Xbox sequel- just a way to blow off steam around the office. Then somebody accidentally leaked it to the press and before we knew it, we were up to our necks in it. Sure it was fun for a year or two, but it's just gotten out of hand. The time has come to clear the air and put an end to this once and for all. There is no PlayStation3. There never was."

Kutaragi was unable to attend the media event in person and had to participate via videophone following a hunting accident over the weekend. The whole matter is a bit embarrassing for the high-powered executive since, as rumor has it, he was the one who pulled the trigger. Thankfully, doctors say the wound is not deep and his foot should heal fairly quickly.

At the time of the Xbox 360 product announcement, Sony engineers and marketing executives were reportedly seething with jealousy. Everyone was talking about how great the 360 was going to be, so Sony representatives would enthusiastically reply "oh, yeah? Ours will do that, too." Microsoft has a comprehensive network, the PS3 would have that, too. Nintendo's Wii has a motion-sensing controller, the PS3 would have one, too.

In this way, the mythical PS3 acquired a slurry of features including high def DVD playback, a bevy of real-time particle effects, and a handful of buzzwords they just made up on the spot. Over time the hypothetical product became an electronic golem of pasted-on technologies, protocols, and services which could never in a million years be made to live together happily on one case. That was fortunate since since they were never intended to do any such thing.

Just two years ago, Sony was sitting at the top of a multibillion dollar console heap. So, it would seem only natural that the company would make plans to keep pace with the rapidly evolving industry if it wanted to stay there. For whatever reason, this turned out not to be the case.
"Honestly, we've been so busy developing and abandoning proprietary storage formats that we never even drew up preliminary plans for it," recalled Kutaragi. "People would talk to us about the PS3 and we'd play along, assuming they were in on the joke. As for actually developing and manufacturing the thing, the thought never crossed our minds."

After a year or so of playing golf and occasionally making amusing "demo" videos of their nonexistent console, Sony executives discovered an amazing phenomenon. As long as they kept up the rouse, their stock price continued a steady rise. If they actually began work on something or even establish a timeline for working on something, shares plummeted in value.

As the joke slowly transformed into the primary pillar of their business plan, Sony focused its efforts on conquering a new market: tradeshows. The staged demos became more intense and booth design, more elaborate. Sony was now in the business of producing press releases and traders on Wall Street and elsewhere were clamoring for more. Alas, all good things must come to an end.

Even as PlayStation fans learn to cope with a life without the PS3 to look forward to, there is still time for the company to change its mind. Even with the Xbox 360 and upcoming Wii crowding the market, experts say that there still may be demand for a PS3 is Sony ever deigns to make one.

Unfortunately, Sony reps continue to say that it will never happen, that making and marketing the PS3 was never really the point. Consumers don't have to actually buy a PS3 to "buy" the PS3. Perhaps that is why the company's pricing estimate was so egregiously high- the MSRP was, after all, a moot point.

Besides, Sony has already moved on to bigger and better things.

"You just wait until the PlayStation4 comes out," said Kutaragi. "It'll have galvanic skin sensors, real-time scent-immersion, as well as holographic breasts with independent bounce algorithms. Better yet, there will be more than 100 PS4 games available at launch. Seriously, this one is totally for real. Do you believe me?"
And before anyone jumps on me, I find this just as funny as everyone else. Anyone who takes this seriously should be shot. Anyone who survived that shot, should be shot again.
 

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