Last breathe

[kid_inuyasha)]

what goes through the mind of a marine when, during battle, he runs out of ammo?what accures in his head as an ultralisc is 10 feet away, ready to ram him? if you never had this happen, you have no idea. and now, as I sit next to my old freind, in the emergency room, i wonder to myself, "i was right next to him... why didn't i save him?". then, one of those pysichics that were in battle next to our squad says, "there was nothing you could do, kid... nothing can stop a rampaging ultralisc when it's ramming forward at a certain target..." and now, more then ever, i think, "what goes through the mind when that last bullet goes out, no one to save you, death right behind your heart?". only the fallen know...only the dead live to tell about it. but, then again, do we realy want to know what happens? during our last breathe?

 

[kid_inuyasha)]

someone replie, tell me mistakes, certain parts were i mest up, or were i did good. or atleast say "i read this, yep". just post

 

[B)ushid(o]

Besides the lack of capitalization, spelling errors, grammar problems and flimsy logic (see below), it was mediocre.

only the fallen know...only the dead live to tell about it.

Try something more coherent.

Since the time frame you're dealing with is so short, you could write in more details. You could have gone more in-depth with the emotions going through the marine.

See, because nobody really likes reading a list of questions thrown together and called a story.

what goes through the mind of a marine when, during battle, he runs out of ammo

Here, you could have heightened the level of fear, hopelessness or whatever emotion you choose to use; you could have made it so the readers could have a sense of the atmosphere of the situation.

3/10 (excluding spelling, grammar, etc.)
2/10 (w/ all errors)

Good concept.
Bad execution.
The English needs fixing.

 

[kid_inuyasha)]

thx