RoaCh of DisCord
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Killing the Beast
by Joe Crollard [aka roach/posthuman]
"Why do you bring this torment upon me?!"
I shriek into the broken mirror, peering in through an electric wall of agonizing deception.
The sky dims as the midnight constellation pushes forth, shimmering in an oblivion of chaotic beauty.
"Who are you, why are you here?"
My voice echoes loudly as my face grows cold.
A reflection of a dark creature reveals itself as the pieces of my life lay scattered upon the cold dark floor.
I turn quickly, knowing that something lurks closely behind.
"Stay away from me!" I screech, gasping for air
A surge of light fills the room as I jolt my head towards the window.
"A street light.." I say to myself quietly.
Examining my surroundings I feel the safety of a hallow (but familiar) room.
A broken mirror lays upon the ground, boxes rest against the old gray walls.
An old chair sits in the center of the room with a small TV in front of it.
Pushing myself up from the cold concrete ground I feel a shock of pain
A pain that feels so familiar...yet this time with more intensity.
I grab at my wrist in attempt to conceal the ravenous liquid from seeping from my arm.
Blood red shards of glass scatter upon the cool damp floor, crunching under my feet as I make my way towards the hallway.
"Ugh.." I whimper, limping towards the door and down the hall, leaving behind drops of liquid emotion.
Schizophrenic, the doctors say. I began to ponder the thought myself.
"maybe they're right?" I whisper. "maybe I am crazy?!"
Approaching the bathroom door, I enter cautiously and flip the light switch only to realize that the power is out once again.
"Damnit!" I scream, as I drop to my knees and begin to blindly rummage through an old cabinet.
"uhh" I moan as I come to a comforting but blood stained medical bandage.
Sighing with relief, I quickly wrap the blood stained material around my tender wrist, hoping to stop the bleeding.
"I don't want to die..I just want this to stop" I think to myself as a flood of mixed emotions wash through my damaged mind.
"These creatures..." I tell myself, remembering a previous therapy session.
"These creatures are creatures of my mind. Past faces that I need to leave behind. Faces that I CAN leave behind...I must".
Breathing deeply I pull myself up from the ground, and lean against the sink counter.
Gazing into the last intact mirror...I see a broken and blurred reflection.
With desperation and confusion, I look at myself..craving to find some sort of hope.
Something to make me want to move on...
Throwing my head back, I close my eyes and release an immaculate tear of sorrow.
Panning back down to my wrist. I watch contently as the blood seeps through the brown cloth.
Tears begin to fall, mixing in with the blood soaked material...slowly wetting the bandage creating a darker red/brown.
Feeling cautious and alone, I glance back up at my distorted self...only to see something even more horrendous.
Piercing, glowing eyes staring back at me from behind within the shadows of a treacherous realm.
A realm that has consumed me for years. A realm that I have some-how slipped into..whether it be mental or physical.
"NOT THERE!"
I scream at the top of my lungs as I close my eyes and drop to the ground with a loud clatter.
In a fit of concern, I cover my head with my arms and begin to count slowly in hopes of breaking free from this all to familiar 'episode'.
"One..."
I choke out, interrupting the essence of an empty house.
"Two..."
The creaking of the old floors echo.
"Three...."
The humming of the outdoor lights intensify.
"Four..."
With a deep breath and a slight pause...
"Five.."
Silence fills the house.
Breathing deeply, I sense that I may have survived this round.
"It isn't real.." I say to myself, finally building up some sort of confidence.
A confidence created from the fact that I have began to understand my insanity...or atleast acknowledge that a problem exists.
With a slight push, I lean back and stare up at the pale white ceiling, wandering briefly into the depths of my mind.
"This HAS to stop." I think to myself. "Tomorrow, I'm going back into therapy...I can't take this anymore"
With the last ounce of physical energy left in my body, I bring myself back up to my feet once more, revealing the same old, dark, empty room.
I was alone, just as I had hoped.
Still breathing roughly, I begin to make my way towards the bedroom, hoping to get some sort of rest and simply get through the night.
Wondering down the narrow and cold hallway, I approach the familiar bedroom with the broken mirror...across the floor of shattered glass, and drop myself down into the rugged old chair that exists in the center of the room. Gazing out the window, I watch as the nearby trees gently sway in motion with the cool night air.
"The stars are out...it's a clear night" I think to myself, as I close my eyes and drift into a weary sleep.
*BAM!*
I awaken from a deep sleep, disrupted by an amplifying sound that echoes throughout the musty walls.
Peering downward, I examine the blood-soaked bandage on my left wrist, my dirty white shirt...tattered jeans..the shards of glass that lay scattered across the concrete floor.
The room is filled with light as the morning view pours in.
Boxes align the sides of the gray-blue walls, & the old TV still sits alone in front of myself.
It seems that I had survived this mess... atleast for one more day.
Kneeling down with a sense of confusion, I grasp for a large shard of blood-stained glass.
Unsteadily holding it before me, I observe a deranged but conscious reflection of my actual self.
My long 'raven-black' hair hangs over my hazel-brown eyes, while dark red scratches display themselves across my tattered face.
Sweeping my hair away from my eyes...I take a deep breath knowing that another troubled day may lay ahead.
*THUD!*
I jolt to my feet...still holding the glass shard as a faint but distinct sound echoes throughout the house once again.
"It's in the main room.." I think to myself in a concerned and panicked state.
*Bang!* this time closer.
"Not again!" I think to myself. as I rush myself into the empty bedroom closet, holding my breath.
With quick thought, carefully I slide the closet door shut, concealing myself inside.
Erratic beats pound within the center of my mind, creating a disorienting sensation that leaves me throbbing with confusion and fear.
"This isn't real..it's nothing" I think to myself over and over.
*THUD!*
"isn't real...isn't real...*
*THUD*
"ISN'T REAL..* I choke, as I place the palms of my hands to my temples.
"These creatures are creatures of my mind. Faces I must leave behind..." I whisper, awaiting for the sound to occur again.
This time...
nothing..
Did I beat it again?
"Nicholas..."
A strange, raspy-like voice growls near the other side of the wooden doors, tearing through the silence and destroying any sense of victory that I may have had.
"No!!" I scream, slamming the closet doors open, only to reveal the horror that has haunted me for years.
A dark creature emerges itself from the shadows of the room, standing before me... high above.
Waiting with piercing, wretched eyes...watching, examining me. Ready for my next move.
"This has to stop...!" I cry in a fit of despair.
Chills of vengeful rage run down my spine as the blood viciously pumps through my veins.
Within the blink of an eye, the creature plunges forward with a unspeakable smirk on it's 'wolf-like' face.
A smirk that I will never forget. Figments of past memories slide through my head...much like a black and white movie.
Almost instinctively, and within a second of time, I extend my arms out with the shard of glass grasped firmly within my hands...
Closing my eyes...fear fills my heart as I await for the ultimate outcome of a life so lost.
*Thud!*
This time, the sound is much different than before.
Breathing heavier and faster than ever, I jerk my eyes open only to see that the dark creature now lays sprawled out in front of me on it's side.
The large chunk of broken glass lays deep within it's thick, furry throat...dispensing a disgusting flow of it's inner fluids.
A dark red liquid oozes from it's large and deformed body, draining from the puncture wound.
The red liquid slides down the concrete ground, forming a stream that makes its way towards my bare feet.
The lukewarm liquid presses softly against my skin, leaving me with an extreme feeling of nauseousness.
"What have I done?" I whisper to myself. "I killed it...I killed the beast.."
Repeating these words over and over in my mind, I suddenly felt a release of sorts.
A release from my pain. A release from my extreme pain! For a moment in time, freedom...
Carefully analyzing the figure that lays before me, I watch as it's chest weakly rises and lowers itself.
Up....down....up....down.
"It's still alive!" I say to myself nervously as I edge out of the closet and towards the television set.
"I...I can't..I can't let you live. You must die...I must be free..."
"You have to ****ing die!" I scream. With a burst of adrenaline, I grab for the TV, yanking it out of the outlet.
"AGH!" I yell, as the TV crashes down on the creatures disfigured face...crushing it's skull and releasing a pool of dark red blood.
Up...down...
I watch as the chest of this horrendous beast comes to a halt...as my heart for once can slow it's beat.
Collapsing to the cold concrete floor...I stare at the lifeless creature in awe at what I had done.
Breathing deeply yet more steadily, I run my hands through my thick black hair, going over what had happened piece by piece in my mind.
Lost in moments...the incident repeated itself over and over through my head.
The beast..the glass...the blood...the killing. The sound of the impact as the TV collapsed it's not-so-fragile skull.
Time passed, an eternity it seems...but probably only about 20 or so minutes.
Not knowing what to do next but feeling that something needed to be done, I made my way back down the hallway and to the living room.
I walk across the dark blue carpet..past the black leather sofa and to the window, closing the blinds.
"I must clean this mess up" I think to myself still in shock from what had happened.
Red faced and quite shaken, I walk towards the closet door, open it slowly, and remove an old mop that had been placed inside.
Just as turning around, to my surprise...
*Thud!*
"What now?!?!" I scream, as complete terror is brought back at full force.
*Thud!*
*Thud!*
"Please...no!" I shout.
An eerie overwhelming silence entered the room for a few moments, just before a deep but vibrant voice pierced through.
"Police" a voice hollers as the front door begins to open.
Two young police officers..one a short blond haired female..and the other a tall masculine looking male stand in the doorway, looking suspiciously as I nervously look down at my feet.
"w..what..? can I help you?". I say quietly.
"We had a call from a concerned neighbor. They heard screaming and were worried. Is Linda Robinson here? We would like to speak with her". The female officer said.
"Umn..you have the wrong house..th..there is no Linda here." With that said, I begin to turn my back, still holding the mop.
"Spring cleaning? The female officer says, as she reaches for her gun. "Stay where you are sir. What is your name..?" she says as she carefully draws into the house.
"N..nick. Nicholas Rollands. I..I didn't do anything.."
"We believe you" the male officer says, as he makes his way down the hallway.
"Do NOT go in th.." I say as my voice is suddenly cut off by the male officer.
"Oh my god...Jennifer...cuff the guy now! We have one down in here...she's definitely not breathing."
"What?" Oh..Uhh.". I struggle to find words. "I..I.. was attacked by a beast!" I shout as I raise my eyes to the ceiling, trying to hold back a flood of tears.
"It's Linda. I have an ID." The male officer shouts.
"What are you talking about!?! I killed a monster! A beast that has been stalking me for years! Can't you see it? Who is Linda? What are you talking about! Can't you see it?" I scream in disbelief and confusion. Suddenly my wrists are yanked back behind me. "Ahg!" I moan. "what are you doing!?!".
"You are under arrest for the murder of Linda Robinson. You have the right to remain silent. Ever-" the female officer says sternly as she's interrupted by my agonizing screams.
"I didn't kill anyone named Linda! I didn't kill a person! I killed a monster!" I shout as I'm slowly pulled out the door and down the steps.
"I've been a cop for several years now" the male officer says angrily as he walks down the hall towards the door. "I know people like you. Getting off on killing little old ladies. What was it, sexual excitement? A way to get back at the world? Or are you just a sick ****? I see the broken mirrors..the glass. I don't think you can even bare to see yourself for what you really are. You don't want to. You claim that these people are 'monsters' when the truth is, it is you that's the monster. Whenever you look into a mirror, you see that...and that's why you break them. You're getting locked up for a long time. I'll see to it" he says.
"..but..I..." I shriek.
"Get him out of here." the male officer spits, as he follows closely behind.
"Watch your head" the female officer says, as I'm shoved into the back seat of a police car.
The two officers enter the vehicle as the doors slam shut and the engine starts. An ambulance pulls into the yard as the officers begin to leave the paved driveway. Looking down towards the seat, a tear is released as the wave of despair, regret, and pain washes in once more. Gazing out the window, back at my old blue house, I notice a small white mail box in the front yard. 'L. ROBINSON' it reads. "Robinson?" I think to myself. "Oh my god, did I do it, did I kill this woman?" "How...why...?". These questions ran through my mind over and over during the police ride, and will for the rest of my days. Will I ever truly know what had happened? Am I really a monster? What, or who, did I kill in that house? I hope that one day I will uncover the truth.
Sadly though, I think I already knew the truth..
by Joe Crollard [aka roach/posthuman]
"Why do you bring this torment upon me?!"
I shriek into the broken mirror, peering in through an electric wall of agonizing deception.
The sky dims as the midnight constellation pushes forth, shimmering in an oblivion of chaotic beauty.
"Who are you, why are you here?"
My voice echoes loudly as my face grows cold.
A reflection of a dark creature reveals itself as the pieces of my life lay scattered upon the cold dark floor.
I turn quickly, knowing that something lurks closely behind.
"Stay away from me!" I screech, gasping for air
A surge of light fills the room as I jolt my head towards the window.
"A street light.." I say to myself quietly.
Examining my surroundings I feel the safety of a hallow (but familiar) room.
A broken mirror lays upon the ground, boxes rest against the old gray walls.
An old chair sits in the center of the room with a small TV in front of it.
Pushing myself up from the cold concrete ground I feel a shock of pain
A pain that feels so familiar...yet this time with more intensity.
I grab at my wrist in attempt to conceal the ravenous liquid from seeping from my arm.
Blood red shards of glass scatter upon the cool damp floor, crunching under my feet as I make my way towards the hallway.
"Ugh.." I whimper, limping towards the door and down the hall, leaving behind drops of liquid emotion.
Schizophrenic, the doctors say. I began to ponder the thought myself.
"maybe they're right?" I whisper. "maybe I am crazy?!"
Approaching the bathroom door, I enter cautiously and flip the light switch only to realize that the power is out once again.
"Damnit!" I scream, as I drop to my knees and begin to blindly rummage through an old cabinet.
"uhh" I moan as I come to a comforting but blood stained medical bandage.
Sighing with relief, I quickly wrap the blood stained material around my tender wrist, hoping to stop the bleeding.
"I don't want to die..I just want this to stop" I think to myself as a flood of mixed emotions wash through my damaged mind.
"These creatures..." I tell myself, remembering a previous therapy session.
"These creatures are creatures of my mind. Past faces that I need to leave behind. Faces that I CAN leave behind...I must".
Breathing deeply I pull myself up from the ground, and lean against the sink counter.
Gazing into the last intact mirror...I see a broken and blurred reflection.
With desperation and confusion, I look at myself..craving to find some sort of hope.
Something to make me want to move on...
Throwing my head back, I close my eyes and release an immaculate tear of sorrow.
Panning back down to my wrist. I watch contently as the blood seeps through the brown cloth.
Tears begin to fall, mixing in with the blood soaked material...slowly wetting the bandage creating a darker red/brown.
Feeling cautious and alone, I glance back up at my distorted self...only to see something even more horrendous.
Piercing, glowing eyes staring back at me from behind within the shadows of a treacherous realm.
A realm that has consumed me for years. A realm that I have some-how slipped into..whether it be mental or physical.
"NOT THERE!"
I scream at the top of my lungs as I close my eyes and drop to the ground with a loud clatter.
In a fit of concern, I cover my head with my arms and begin to count slowly in hopes of breaking free from this all to familiar 'episode'.
"One..."
I choke out, interrupting the essence of an empty house.
"Two..."
The creaking of the old floors echo.
"Three...."
The humming of the outdoor lights intensify.
"Four..."
With a deep breath and a slight pause...
"Five.."
Silence fills the house.
Breathing deeply, I sense that I may have survived this round.
"It isn't real.." I say to myself, finally building up some sort of confidence.
A confidence created from the fact that I have began to understand my insanity...or atleast acknowledge that a problem exists.
With a slight push, I lean back and stare up at the pale white ceiling, wandering briefly into the depths of my mind.
"This HAS to stop." I think to myself. "Tomorrow, I'm going back into therapy...I can't take this anymore"
With the last ounce of physical energy left in my body, I bring myself back up to my feet once more, revealing the same old, dark, empty room.
I was alone, just as I had hoped.
Still breathing roughly, I begin to make my way towards the bedroom, hoping to get some sort of rest and simply get through the night.
Wondering down the narrow and cold hallway, I approach the familiar bedroom with the broken mirror...across the floor of shattered glass, and drop myself down into the rugged old chair that exists in the center of the room. Gazing out the window, I watch as the nearby trees gently sway in motion with the cool night air.
"The stars are out...it's a clear night" I think to myself, as I close my eyes and drift into a weary sleep.
*BAM!*
I awaken from a deep sleep, disrupted by an amplifying sound that echoes throughout the musty walls.
Peering downward, I examine the blood-soaked bandage on my left wrist, my dirty white shirt...tattered jeans..the shards of glass that lay scattered across the concrete floor.
The room is filled with light as the morning view pours in.
Boxes align the sides of the gray-blue walls, & the old TV still sits alone in front of myself.
It seems that I had survived this mess... atleast for one more day.
Kneeling down with a sense of confusion, I grasp for a large shard of blood-stained glass.
Unsteadily holding it before me, I observe a deranged but conscious reflection of my actual self.
My long 'raven-black' hair hangs over my hazel-brown eyes, while dark red scratches display themselves across my tattered face.
Sweeping my hair away from my eyes...I take a deep breath knowing that another troubled day may lay ahead.
*THUD!*
I jolt to my feet...still holding the glass shard as a faint but distinct sound echoes throughout the house once again.
"It's in the main room.." I think to myself in a concerned and panicked state.
*Bang!* this time closer.
"Not again!" I think to myself. as I rush myself into the empty bedroom closet, holding my breath.
With quick thought, carefully I slide the closet door shut, concealing myself inside.
Erratic beats pound within the center of my mind, creating a disorienting sensation that leaves me throbbing with confusion and fear.
"This isn't real..it's nothing" I think to myself over and over.
*THUD!*
"isn't real...isn't real...*
*THUD*
"ISN'T REAL..* I choke, as I place the palms of my hands to my temples.
"These creatures are creatures of my mind. Faces I must leave behind..." I whisper, awaiting for the sound to occur again.
This time...
nothing..
Did I beat it again?
"Nicholas..."
A strange, raspy-like voice growls near the other side of the wooden doors, tearing through the silence and destroying any sense of victory that I may have had.
"No!!" I scream, slamming the closet doors open, only to reveal the horror that has haunted me for years.
A dark creature emerges itself from the shadows of the room, standing before me... high above.
Waiting with piercing, wretched eyes...watching, examining me. Ready for my next move.
"This has to stop...!" I cry in a fit of despair.
Chills of vengeful rage run down my spine as the blood viciously pumps through my veins.
Within the blink of an eye, the creature plunges forward with a unspeakable smirk on it's 'wolf-like' face.
A smirk that I will never forget. Figments of past memories slide through my head...much like a black and white movie.
Almost instinctively, and within a second of time, I extend my arms out with the shard of glass grasped firmly within my hands...
Closing my eyes...fear fills my heart as I await for the ultimate outcome of a life so lost.
*Thud!*
This time, the sound is much different than before.
Breathing heavier and faster than ever, I jerk my eyes open only to see that the dark creature now lays sprawled out in front of me on it's side.
The large chunk of broken glass lays deep within it's thick, furry throat...dispensing a disgusting flow of it's inner fluids.
A dark red liquid oozes from it's large and deformed body, draining from the puncture wound.
The red liquid slides down the concrete ground, forming a stream that makes its way towards my bare feet.
The lukewarm liquid presses softly against my skin, leaving me with an extreme feeling of nauseousness.
"What have I done?" I whisper to myself. "I killed it...I killed the beast.."
Repeating these words over and over in my mind, I suddenly felt a release of sorts.
A release from my pain. A release from my extreme pain! For a moment in time, freedom...
Carefully analyzing the figure that lays before me, I watch as it's chest weakly rises and lowers itself.
Up....down....up....down.
"It's still alive!" I say to myself nervously as I edge out of the closet and towards the television set.
"I...I can't..I can't let you live. You must die...I must be free..."
"You have to ****ing die!" I scream. With a burst of adrenaline, I grab for the TV, yanking it out of the outlet.
"AGH!" I yell, as the TV crashes down on the creatures disfigured face...crushing it's skull and releasing a pool of dark red blood.
Up...down...
I watch as the chest of this horrendous beast comes to a halt...as my heart for once can slow it's beat.
Collapsing to the cold concrete floor...I stare at the lifeless creature in awe at what I had done.
Breathing deeply yet more steadily, I run my hands through my thick black hair, going over what had happened piece by piece in my mind.
Lost in moments...the incident repeated itself over and over through my head.
The beast..the glass...the blood...the killing. The sound of the impact as the TV collapsed it's not-so-fragile skull.
Time passed, an eternity it seems...but probably only about 20 or so minutes.
Not knowing what to do next but feeling that something needed to be done, I made my way back down the hallway and to the living room.
I walk across the dark blue carpet..past the black leather sofa and to the window, closing the blinds.
"I must clean this mess up" I think to myself still in shock from what had happened.
Red faced and quite shaken, I walk towards the closet door, open it slowly, and remove an old mop that had been placed inside.
Just as turning around, to my surprise...
*Thud!*
"What now?!?!" I scream, as complete terror is brought back at full force.
*Thud!*
*Thud!*
"Please...no!" I shout.
An eerie overwhelming silence entered the room for a few moments, just before a deep but vibrant voice pierced through.
"Police" a voice hollers as the front door begins to open.
Two young police officers..one a short blond haired female..and the other a tall masculine looking male stand in the doorway, looking suspiciously as I nervously look down at my feet.
"w..what..? can I help you?". I say quietly.
"We had a call from a concerned neighbor. They heard screaming and were worried. Is Linda Robinson here? We would like to speak with her". The female officer said.
"Umn..you have the wrong house..th..there is no Linda here." With that said, I begin to turn my back, still holding the mop.
"Spring cleaning? The female officer says, as she reaches for her gun. "Stay where you are sir. What is your name..?" she says as she carefully draws into the house.
"N..nick. Nicholas Rollands. I..I didn't do anything.."
"We believe you" the male officer says, as he makes his way down the hallway.
"Do NOT go in th.." I say as my voice is suddenly cut off by the male officer.
"Oh my god...Jennifer...cuff the guy now! We have one down in here...she's definitely not breathing."
"What?" Oh..Uhh.". I struggle to find words. "I..I.. was attacked by a beast!" I shout as I raise my eyes to the ceiling, trying to hold back a flood of tears.
"It's Linda. I have an ID." The male officer shouts.
"What are you talking about!?! I killed a monster! A beast that has been stalking me for years! Can't you see it? Who is Linda? What are you talking about! Can't you see it?" I scream in disbelief and confusion. Suddenly my wrists are yanked back behind me. "Ahg!" I moan. "what are you doing!?!".
"You are under arrest for the murder of Linda Robinson. You have the right to remain silent. Ever-" the female officer says sternly as she's interrupted by my agonizing screams.
"I didn't kill anyone named Linda! I didn't kill a person! I killed a monster!" I shout as I'm slowly pulled out the door and down the steps.
"I've been a cop for several years now" the male officer says angrily as he walks down the hall towards the door. "I know people like you. Getting off on killing little old ladies. What was it, sexual excitement? A way to get back at the world? Or are you just a sick ****? I see the broken mirrors..the glass. I don't think you can even bare to see yourself for what you really are. You don't want to. You claim that these people are 'monsters' when the truth is, it is you that's the monster. Whenever you look into a mirror, you see that...and that's why you break them. You're getting locked up for a long time. I'll see to it" he says.
"..but..I..." I shriek.
"Get him out of here." the male officer spits, as he follows closely behind.
"Watch your head" the female officer says, as I'm shoved into the back seat of a police car.
The two officers enter the vehicle as the doors slam shut and the engine starts. An ambulance pulls into the yard as the officers begin to leave the paved driveway. Looking down towards the seat, a tear is released as the wave of despair, regret, and pain washes in once more. Gazing out the window, back at my old blue house, I notice a small white mail box in the front yard. 'L. ROBINSON' it reads. "Robinson?" I think to myself. "Oh my god, did I do it, did I kill this woman?" "How...why...?". These questions ran through my mind over and over during the police ride, and will for the rest of my days. Will I ever truly know what had happened? Am I really a monster? What, or who, did I kill in that house? I hope that one day I will uncover the truth.
Sadly though, I think I already knew the truth..
