Another poem, for those who wactually care

[IceDevil9]

Here's another poem I wrote, I bet you can guess what it's about.

Never Fear

I sit here in my living room
Can think of nothing else but you
Your lovely eyes peirce my brain
Inside my heart is a loving flame
Eternally it burns for you
And know the love I hold is true
You're what helps me through the day
No matter what it is you say
I hang on to your every word
Even if it sounds absurd
To think of you in times of strife
And how you lighten up my life
You help me see what's deep inside
And bring out the best in me I hide
Like a flower blooming in the field
My love for you will never yeild
To see your beauty when I'm down
You have a way of turning my feelings around
Don't ever fear or even cry
Just know I'll love you until I die
All I want to do is hold you near
And protect you from all that you'll ever fear
Through all of the trials and tribuals of the world
You'll be in my heart forever, my little southern girl

-Frank

 

[Magikarp]

I don't get it.

 

[Emperor Pan I]

aww, sounds like Franks being emo again

 

[Arkillo]

When did he leave emo?

 

[CelestialBadger]

K, first of all in the beginning it seemed like you were making definite strides towards better meter, but then you just sort of ditched it at the end and it turned into a meterless rhyming mess.

I'm not sure I really like the idea of couplets. They could work in certain instances, but for the length and theme of the poem the couplets make it sort of just plod along, definitely not something that you want to convey in a love poem. Especially rhymes like "life" and "strife", "world" and "girl"...ditch that shit. It just comes across as extremely cliche.

The biggest thing though, is that you're basically writing like prose. Poetry wants to speak in metaphor. If you want to write prose than write prose. If you want to write prose poetry, that's cool too, just make it deeper and more meaningful than just straight out saying "I love you". That's the job of an elementary school love note, not really poetry.

There. Tried to be nice. Hope that helped somewhat.